The Hookup Culture vs. Authentic Love - Auspice Maria Ep 19
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Transcript:
Welcome back to the Auspice Maria podcast. I'm Bishop James Ruggieri of the Diocese of Portland in Maine. And before getting into today's topic of The Hook Up Culture versus Authentic Love, I'd like to just invoke the Holy Spirit to guide this podcast and all who are listening. The Holy Spirit—just open all of our hearts.
So Spirit of the Living God, be with us, inspire us, move us, help us to be more attentive to your inspiration and promptings. And may this podcast simply be at the service of your mission of salvation. We ask all this through Christ our Lord, amen.
So today, as I mentioned, I want to talk about something that maybe many of you, especially our younger audience, younger listeners, maybe teens and young adults, hear about commonly. It's called the hookup culture, or in some circles, the situationship culture.
And what does this mean? Well, the hookup culture is a way of thinking about relationships where people treat sex as something casual—something you do with someone you barely know, with no promise to stay together afterward. It could be kissing or more than that, but the key is that it's not about a lasting commitment.
A professor named Lisa Wade studied college students and wrote that hookups have become a normal expectation on many campuses(American Hookup, 2017). Now that was written in 2017, but I'm no expert—I would dare to say that's probably still the norm. Again, Wade studied college students and wrote that hookups have become a normal expectation on many college campuses.
So why has this become so common? Well, there are a few reasons. About 50 years ago, society started to change how it thought about sex. People began saying that sex didn't need to be connected to marriage. The invention of the birth control pill made people think sex could be separated from having children. Later, phones and apps gave people a way to shop for other people, almost the way you would shop for shoes or music.
Two researchers, Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, point out that this created a kind of marketplace for sex (Premarital Sex in America, 2011).
But what happens when people live this way? Let's look at three big consequences.
First, people start treating each other like objects. Think of how you might use a tool, like a hammer, just to get a job done. When people treat others this way, they use something for pleasure and then move on, forgetting that the other person has a heart and feelings.
Saint John Paul II explained it like this: “A person must not be merely the means to an end for another person. Even if the end is the other person’s own pleasure, it still reduces the person to a means. The only proper and adequate attitude toward a person is love.” (Karol Wojtyła [St. John Paul II], Love and Responsibility, trans. H.T. Willetts, Ignatius Press, 1993, p. 41).
Secondly, hookup culture turns sexuality into a product. Just like deciding to buy things in a store, people get chosen or rejected in seconds. Apps encourage this by having people swipe right or left, like you're picking something off a shelf.
Donna Freitas, another researcher, said in her book Sex and the Soul (2008) that many students felt empty and unvalued after these kinds of experiences. Again, that work is a little dated (2008), but I would dare say that's very much probably still the case.
Third, hookup culture devalues the person. If people are judged only by looks, popularity, or availability, then the truth about who they are—their soul, their dreams, their dignity as children of God—gets ignored.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church reminds us in paragraph 2337 that sex only becomes truly human when it is a part of a lifelong gift of love between a husband and a wife. When it's taken out of that setting, it can turn into something selfish and shallow.
I don't share these things to scare you or to make anyone feel condemned. I share them because I want you to know the truth. The hookup culture promises freedom, but it often leaves people feeling empty. It promises excitement, but it can leave behind loneliness. God made us for more. He made us for love that is faithful, deep, and life-giving.
That's the love that brings joy, and that's the love we are called to live.
Now I'd like you to imagine this with me for a moment. Imagine a world where there was no hookup culture, no such thing, no treating people as objects, no shallow connections that leave us empty. Imagine a world where authentic love was the norm.
A world where every person you met was seen as a treasure, a gift from God. A world where those who truly loved you helped you taste a little bit of heaven right here on earth. That's not just a dream—that's really what we are made for. You and I are made for more.
So let's ask the question: who are you? Who am I?
At the very core, you are a gift. Your body, your sexuality, your maleness or your femaleness, this is not an accident, not a mistake. It is who you are, and it is a gift. From the very beginning of creation, the book of Genesis tells us that God made man and woman "in his image and likeness."
That means our dignity doesn't come from what we can do, or how others see us, or how we look. It comes from God Himself.
Now St. Paul helps us to see what this means for our daily lives. He writes to the Corinthians in his first letter, chapter 6, verses 19–20: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19–20, NABRE)
What Paul is telling us is very powerful. Because we are made in God's image, our bodies themselves are holy. They are temples of God's Spirit.
You don't belong to the culture. You don't belong to someone else's passing desires. You belong to God. And because you were purchased at a price, the price of Christ's own life, you have infinite worth.
This also means that your maleness or femaleness, your very identity as a man or woman, is not something extra or optional. It is part of your gift. God has written into our very being this call to communion, this call to give and to receive love.
St. John Paul II put it beautifully in his apostolic exhortation Familiaris Consortio. He wrote:
“God created man in his own
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image and likeness: calling him to existence through love, he called him at the same time for love. God is love and in himself he lives a mystery of personal loving communion. Creating the human race in his own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man and woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion. Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being” (Familiaris Consortio, §11)
I want to repeat that last sentence. It's very powerful and very worthy of further reflection: "Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being."
So when we ask, "Who are you?" the answer is this: You are made in God's image. You are redeemed by Christ. You are a temple of the Holy Spirit. And you are made for love.
Not the shallow love the world often talks about, but the deep, life-giving love that comes from God himself.
Jesus shows us what this love looks like. In John's Gospel, he says: “This is my commandment: love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12–13, NABRE).
Again, this passage reminds us that love is not a suggestion, it's a command. Jesus calls us to love as he loved—sacrificially, generously, faithfully. His whole life was a gift: his words, his miracles, his friendships. And in the greatest act of love, he laid down his life for us on the cross.
And then he gave us even more—the gift of resurrection, the gift of life with God forever.
Here's the heart of it: Because Jesus gave himself fully to us, we are asked to do the same, to make ourselves a gift for others. That is authentic love.
Now contrast this with the hookup culture. In hookup culture, people are treated like commodities—like items in a store that can be chosen, used, and discarded. But when we live authentic love, we see ourselves and others as gifts. We don't say, "What can I get out of you?" We say, "How can I serve you? How can I will your good?"
This difference is huge. It changes how we see dating, marriage, friendship, and even how we treat strangers. Because if each person is a gift made in the image of God, then each person deserves to be loved as God loves.
Again, I want you to imagine with me something: the world I spoke of at the beginning. A world where every person is loved this way. Where every person is seen as a gift. Where every young man looks at every young woman with genuine respect and reverence. And every young woman looks at every young man with genuine respect and reverence.
Imagine a world where married couples see in each other not just a companion, but the very gift of God's love poured out. A world where our homes, our friendships, our parishes become little tastes of heaven.
That's not fantasy. That's the Gospel. That's what Christ came to show. You are made for more—more than being used, more than shallow promises, more than being treated like a product on a screen.
You are made for authentic love. You are made to give yourself and to receive others as gifts. And when you live this way—when we as a Church live this way—then our lives, our relationships, and even our culture begin to reflect the kingdom of God.
I've spoken about the reality of the hookup culture and its dangers. Then we lifted our eyes to the horizon of authentic love. We are indeed made for more.
Now I want to speak about the virtue that opens the door to authentic love—and that virtue is chastity.
So what is chastity? The Catechism of the Catholic Church gives us a clear and beautiful definition: “Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being” (CCC 2337)
That phrase, "integration of sexuality," is key. Chastity is not about denying your sexuality, repressing your desires, or pretending they don't exist. It is about harmony. It is about living in such a way that your body, your mind, your soul, and your desires are united and not at war with each other.
Chastity is both a natural virtue and a supernatural gift. As a natural virtue, it requires discipline, practice, and effort. It is part of self-mastery, learning how to govern our passions so that they serve love and do not control us.
But chastity is also a gift of grace—something we cannot achieve on our own strength. Again, the Catechism teaches: “Chastity is a moral virtue. It is also a gift from God, a grace, a fruit of spiritual effort. The Holy Spirit enables one whom the water of Baptism has regenerated to imitate the purity of Christ” (CCC 2345)
So chastity is not repression. It is really freedom. It frees us to love as God loves.
Why is chastity good? The goodness of chastity is found in the way it preserves our wholeness as persons and protects our relationships. The Catechism says: “The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person” (CCC 2338)
When you are chaste, you are not pulled apart by competing desires or by regret. You are whole. And when you are whole, you can give yourself more freely, more holistically, and honestly to others.
In marriage, chastity enables spouses to give themselves completely and faithfully to each other. The Catechism again teaches: “Sexuality… becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman” (CCC 2337)
Without chastity, even marriage can fall into selfishness. But with chastity, married love becomes authentic. It reflects God's faithful, fruitful love.
And chastity is also good for friendship. It doesn't only apply to marriage. The Catechism says: “Chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends” (CCC 2347)
What does chastity make authentic love here? It makes love and friendship authentic because it purifies them of selfish motives and helps us to love people for who they are, not for what we can get from them. A chaste friendship is trustworthy, lasting, and life-giving. It leads to communion of hearts, not just moments of use.
This is why chastity is good. It guards the dignity of the person. It strengthens marriages and makes friendships real. It enables us to see others not as objects, but as brothers, sisters, and companions on the journey to God.
Finally, chastity does not remain a private virtue. It changes the world around us. The Catechism explains: “Chastity represents an eminently personal task; it also involves a cultural effort, for there is ‘an interdependence between personal betterment and the improvement of society’” (CCC 2344)
Very important link, "personal betterment and the improvement of society." When individuals live chastely, society itself begins to heal. Families become more stable, marriages more faithful, friendships more honest, and communities safer. When chastity shapes culture, people are no longer seen as commodities but as gifts. This is the seedbed of what St. John Paul II called "a culture of life."
And so chastity is not a burden, it is really a joy. It is not about saying "no" to love, it is the only way to say a full "yes" to love. It is not simply about renouncing sin, it is about affirming life, affirming dignity, affirming God's plan. Chastity is the key that unlocks authentic love.
Allow me to give you two examples.
In marriage, chaste love looks like a husband and wife who choose to remain faithful in difficult times. Maybe one spouse is sick or work has put enormous strain on their relationship. But because their love is chaste, it is not based only on feelings or pleasure. It is based on total self-giving. They see their union as a lifelong covenant, and they remain faithful, patient, and tender with one another. That is chastity in action. It protects their bond and makes their love enduring.
In friendship, chaste love looks like two people who truly respect each other. Imagine a teenage boy and girl who are close friends. Instead of pressuring each other into something shallow, they listen, encourage, and protect each other's dignity. Their friendship is not about "what can I get from you?" but "how can I help you become who God created you to be?" That is chastity in action. It purifies their affection and makes their friendship authentic, honest, and life-giving.
So whether in marriage or in friendship, chastity makes love real. It transforms our lives, and through us, it transforms the culture into one that values every person as a gift—a true culture of life.
Today we looked honestly at the reality of the hookup culture—how it reduces people to objects, turns sexuality into a product, and hides the dignity of the person. We lifted our eyes to something greater: authentic love, the love for which we were created, a love that reflects the very image of God.
And we saw that chastity is not a burden—not a burden, but the key. The key that unlocks this authentic love, making our marriages faithful, our friendships real, and even transforming our culture into one that values every person as a gift.
So I'd like to leave you with this question: How is God calling you in your daily life to live love as a gift, freely, faithfully, and authentically, in a world that so often settles for less? How is God calling you in your daily life to live love as a gift in a world that so often settles for less?
Thank you for listening. And as always, I want to commend this podcast to the protection and intercession of the Blessed Mother.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Sources:
Sacred Scripture (NABRE)
- Genesis 1:27.
- 1 Corinthians 6:19–20.
- John 15:12–13.
Catechism of the Catholic Church - 2nd ed. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1997. §§2337, 2338, 2344, 2345, 2347.
Magisterial Document:
John Paul II. Familiaris Consortio (On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World). Apostolic Exhortation, 1981. §11.
Philosophical/Theological Work:
Karol Wojtyła [St. John Paul II]. Love and Responsibility. Trans. H.T. Willetts. San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993. p. 41.
Scholarly Studies:
Bogle, Kathleen A. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus. New York: NYU Press, 2008.
Freitas, Donna. Sex and the Soul: 24 Juggling Sexuality, Spirituality, Romance, and Religion on America’s College Campuses. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008.
Regnerus, Mark, and Jeremy Uecker. Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think About Marrying. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2011.
Wade, Lisa. American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 2017.
